Funny

"Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
"A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned"
"When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
"The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement."
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers."
"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."
"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"
"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."
"The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree."