Jarod Kintz

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."
"Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries."
"I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it."
"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."
"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."
"I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much."
"Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other."
"My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me."
"To become one who believes two become one, you need love in your life."
"I often wear camouflaged pants so when I walk I look like a floating torso. I love with the same air of mystery."
"My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents."
"If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play Chopsticks--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks."